Even though, in the context of this site, we are trying to grow more heroic, the part where the hero is trying to live two lives, one of which is a shadowy secret identity is not cool. When you have to carefully choose your words and filter the truth that you live, so that you don’t say something that will create suspicion. Living in caution, so that you don’t reveal anything beyond the person that your family and friends sees, is hard. The feeling you get when you want to feel good about yourself, but then eventually, you have to use the restroom and as you’re washing your hands, you have to look at your reflection. You see a person looking back at you who is concealing your full story. You begin to hate that person in the mirror, because of things you have done, things you keep doing. You wish that life could be free to live like you once were, who you really are, clean and simple.
The Mask that Protects Also Isolates
In the superhero stories of movies and comics, we see the light-hearted, often humorous part of the story where Superman can go to school or get a job in the big city by putting on a pair of glasses and acting less confident. Clark Kent is how Superman gets to live a “normal” life while he’s not doing grand heroic deeds. Peter Parker illustrates that he must live a humble and frustrating life, so that he can protect his aunt, his close friends, and the girl he loves. Otherwise, the villains will attempt to manipulate or weaken the character by attacking them. It is usually described as a noble part of their story. The secret identity is when the hero has to hold back who they really are. We see the challenges of not being able to share their whole self with the people they love. There are rare climactic moments in their stories when they get to take their masks and glasses off. They can enjoy a moment fully known for the first time. For us, as regular humans , working to grow better and stronger, that moment is called living in integrity.
It isn’t that the story writers are doing a bad thing. Having two identities opens up the tension of separate storylines. It can create challenges and frustrations for both the main and supporting characters. It also sets up the plot for a climax with a big reveal at some point in the future. These are good devices for creating fiction. I’ve heard fiction authors describe that writing stories is creating interesting characters and then doing horrible things to them, that they have to deal with and solve. As humans, we are entertained by stories with challenge, tension, angst, and victory. We love watching characters develop and mature. That was one of the most satisfying aspects to the Harry Potter books. We got to watch Harry and the others grow. Spoiler alert - How pleasing and satisfying was it, when we could finally see why Professor Snape acted the way he did around Harry? We learned his full story and Severus was finally fully known, appreciated, and I daresay… loved.
We weren’t made to live lives in isolation. We become better people when those close to us know are given the opportunity to know us fully and are able to love us despite our rough spots. To be known fully, feels different too. No facade. No lies. No careful filtering. You can simply abide, engaging with friends and family at face value. The tax on living two lives is very costly.
The Cost of Maintenance
I just alluded to the costs of living in a way that lacks integrity. I’ve heard a humorous observation about liars, and how they have to have a really good memory. It is true. Life is more difficult when you are presenting different versions of yourself. You have to watch every step and carefully form your every response. The term “gaslighting” has gained popularity, describing a tactic of manipulating others by telling them a false version of reality, so they start to doubt what they actually see. It is horrible act of cruelty, to hurt the reality of others, to conceal parts of yourself you want to keep hidden. The most tragic part, which was true in Snape’s story as well as my own, you missing the opportunity to feel others loving the real you. Not just romantic love, but the love and esteem felt when others know your full story. You get to witness them choosing you and caring for you. The real you!
The Biblical anchor, walking in the light
This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.
1 John 1:5-10 (ESV)
John, the apostle that Jesus loved, wrote four books in the Bible. In the above verses, and others to follow, John is guiding the believers to live in integrity. He provides practical encouragement for them to go all in with their faith. Don’t try to go half-way or attempt to keep any of your old ways. See how the community that Jesus founded is made up of imperfect people, who with love, are striving to become more perfect every day and living in the open. We don’t need to hide. We don’t need to pretend we are perfect. In this way, we build and grow a community of believers who are saved and striving more and more to live boldly in the light.
Your One Person Question
I get it. When I was trapped, living two lives. I was desperately afraid I’d be exposed. I’d lose everyone and everything that I cared about. The idea of getting to the place I’m describing sounds impossible. But it isn’t impossible. You just have to take the first step and open up to a safe person you can trust. You don’t have to tell everyone. Look around and see who the safe people are. It could be a counselor, a minister, your spouse, a supportive relative, or a trustworthy friend. In truth, they may be safe and still not have a helpful response or know the right thing to say. But as you see that you don’t die from telling your story, you can move toward the right people to help you. A therapist, qualified to help get you free from your specific addiction, will be the most effective next step. But therapists also vary based on your personality match. So explore that with a mind open to seeking a helper who can work with you well.
The Secret Identity trope in the Heroic Framework is about the gap between public and private self, and the work of closing that gap. If you want to understand what that work looks like through the lens of scripture and story, the Secret Identity Codex goes deeper.