I was trapped. I feared I had done things that I would never be able to share with anyone. I looked good on the outside. I put a lot of effort into keeping up my outside appearance. But I felt there were parts of my history now that I had to keep locked away in secret, for the rest of my life.
This ensnarement, getting into the trap, began as a tiny little incident of emotional pain when I was in middle school. Everyone’s story can be wildly different, while also sharing many of the same patterns. Some experience serious trauma and abuse. You can become trapped in many ways.
What was worse, I kept doing more of the same harmful things because this shadow-self of mine kept living in the darkness. I likened it to trying to walk down a street with your eyes closed, another good representation would be pushing away from the shore in a rowboat without an oar. You are drifting, without solid reference point or the ability to affect your outcome.
I felt bad. Shame, I’m told, creates a repeating cycle. I feel bad about how things are, so then I do something that I believe will help me to feel better. Then, after doing another shameful thing, I do not feel better. Instead, I feel worse and the cycle repeats and gets worse! That is where I was. Trapped in a loop, descending lower and lower with each repetition.
But the spiral wasn't the end of the story.
My Origin Story
This isn’t only a story about a crash. It is a story of victory. All my life, including when I was living my double life, I felt called to do something great. I wanted to do important work. I wanted to lead. I wanted my family to be proud of me.
Figuratively, I wanted to be like the heroes in stories. I had visions of being extraordinary. But how could I even entertain that idea, while secretly I was being dragged further down into the muck?
You hear people talk about pride. It often is described as a good thing, like high self-esteem. But pride isn’t a healthy view of oneself. Pride is a poison that says, “I can handle this on my own”, “my situation is special”, and “I can’t trust anyone to help me, even God.”
It pains me now to even write those foolish statements. “I can’t get what I want”, was my personal pride mantra from those dark and divided days.
But my story didn’t stay there. Some call it rock bottom. Some call it the penetrating exposure of the light. I’m grateful for the uncomfortable, unpleasant events which humbled me and broke me out of that spiral. Sin does indeed lead to death. I had been in a pattern of dying a little more every day.
Being shoved or yanked free from that pathetic way of life, and starting on my journey to recover and exceed the life I pretended to have, has been a powerful parallel to a hero’s origin story for me. I’ll always be grateful.
The Backstory
I had plenty of ambition. I believed that I’d was able to write inspiring coaching advice to help people develop themselves to be more like superheroes. There were elements here in the Heroic Journal site that were already in place. I had studied The Hero’s Journey and saw connection potential for personal growth, but it was aimless and wasn’t taking shape well. This was true of many of my efforts during my unhealthy days.
I also studied leadership and just knew I’d make a great manager of people and an inspiring leader, once someone gave me the chance. Only, no one was giving me the chance. Business hierarchies were flattening, and my career had been unstable. I’d lost several jobs and abandoned others for greener pastures. No one was going to hire me to lead others when I looked like a flight risk. But I had some good concepts in my head about leading from where you are, and leadership isn’t about the title.
My state of not being healthy kept this and about ten other website ideas on the shelf for years. I owned a bunch of domain names and had strong chunks thought out. But back then, I couldn’t focus because I was chasing shadows and unhealthy desires.
Joseph's reframe Genesis 50:20 is a valuable verse for my story during the initial dreaming up of this site. "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good." Joseph’s situation had him working powerfully from a place of being a slave. My nemesis, our adversary, had me gently entangled from when I was about eleven years old. Joseph’s brothers sold him and considered him as good as dead. I was trapped in a life of lies and false effectiveness and could see no way out. Joseph wasn’t free from harm and suffering during his time of waiting. The meaning and purpose of his suffering got him in the right place. My frustrating years weren't wasted either. They were the experience I needed that you’ll hear about in the Weakness and Secret Identity sections. Joseph was positioned in a place to save his family and the people of whole region. I believe if I can help free other guys who are trapped in a state like I was, it helps to redeem my story
What recovery actually produced: The recovery got me to stop my addiction and get sober. But that is just a tiny sample of the list of benefits. My brain works better, I finish projects, I’m a better employee at work. I have better relationships with my family and friends. Connection is often described as the opposite of addiction. Not sobriety. I have developed better emotional awareness. First, I’ve rediscovered my own emotional capacity and then also I’ve gained skills of empathy. Empathy has helped me help others and has made me far more effective in my job, like a superpower.
If you have times when you do things you don’t want to do… unwanted behavior. If you have moments of shame, when you feel worthless, like a failure. If you have hidden areas of your life you’d be horrified to have others see. I invite you to make a change. Break free. Find your real self that God created you to be.
The framework and tools I’ve created here are designed to help you see where you are. I invite you to begin preparing for your heroic story. Because I’m just a guy who has walked this journey, without counseling, therapy or psychological credentials, I'll point toward professional resources for anyone whose situation needs more than a framework.
Your story doesn't have to stay where it is. Start with the Weakness Codex, it's the first step I took, and it's free.